So, Wednesday was my birthday. I turned 21. And I did nothing. I went to dinner with my fucking family. Like I couldn't do that any other day. No, I was looking forward to going out dancing with friends. You know, having fun. But magically, everyone disappeared as soon as I try to plan something. I couldn't even get my fucking boyfriend to go out with me. Oh, no, he said he would. Him and one of our mutual friends was going to go out with me tonight, since all my other friends apparently have better things to do. What happens? He disappears for two days, come to find out they went drinking last night, and he's fucking working.

Now, that wouldn't normally be an issue, I know we can't always control that. But he didn't bother to tell me. And I know he knew. What the hell? Am I really just here for his entertainment, when he decides he wants to see me? Well, I guess I'm lucky, I apparently warrented a two minute call on his break. Oh yeah, I feel special now.

I'm even more pissed, because he told me before he'd email me and stuff when we were busy with our own lives. Has he emailed me once? Nope. But he still manages to have his Facebook conversations with other girls. And do things with his friends. While I sit at home, by my self, or work, or go to class. Oh wait, I don't need a life. I'm perfectly happy to sit here while he does his shit, happy to be around when he wants and to disappear when he's too busy to bother with me.

And do you know what the kicker is? When he called, he said "Are you going to Tila?" Tila being a dance club I go to sometimes with a couple of coworkers. I had told him last week I wasn't, because the girl I was going with is out of town. Hense him saying we'd go out tonight. Then he asked, "Are you doing anything this weekend?" We've been dating for three months, and he can't be bothered to remember that I WORK EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND.

I am so pissed right now, if he were to randomly show up I'd probably go apeshit on him. If i happen to be online when he gets home from work tonight, I'm sure I will.

Well, I feel less crappy.

I mean, I still feel crappy. But life has sort of drifted in a more positive direction, so I feel less hopeless now.

I managed to talk to Alex, and he has agreed to attempt more contact via email and such when we are apart. For me, that's all I need to keep sane. A nice "Hi, there, how you doin'?" message makes me feel less alone. Hopefully he keeps actually does it, but I mean, I do message him on my own, I just don't want him to feel like I'm smothering him.

Problem is, when he gets sworn into the Army, as soon as he starts duty with the Footguards, he's going to want to start drinking exclusively at the Junior Ranks Mess. Unfortunately, I cannot drink there with him. Problem with that is, his ex as well as a slew of guys and girls he knows are there, and none of them know me. Which means, they hold no attachment to me, and as such would be pretty unlikely to discourage him from fucking around, should the opportunity arise. And because I know he won't want to make the effort to go out with me when it's so easy to just go there, I'm worried. I did enlist Dave, a mutual friend who is already with the Guards, to keep an eye on him and attempt to encourage him to include me when they can. I trust Alex, but I don't trust other people.

And in better news, classes are over. So, five written and one oral exam to go, and the semester is over! I have also been making a bunch on icons and banners, so hopefully I'll post some soon.

Ugh, I need to vent.

I feel like shit. I managed to get a page and a half written for my paper today, but it feels so pointless. I'm failing the class anyway, I can guarantee I won't get a good mark on this paper even if I wrote the most mind-blowing piece of analysis, they'd still give me a shite mark. I'm going to end up failing the class, and probably others too. I bombed my German test on Thursday, too. Ugh.

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't want to see or talk to me much. I know it's probably not like that, but he doesn't like calling and he's never on MSN when I am cause our schedules conflict. But, he never emails or anything either, so like, does he even want to communicate with me at all? He has all sorts of great things he does, while I sit at home, alone, bored. It seems like he barely makes the effort to have any sort of contact with me, and it hurts. He has a whole group of girls he messages on Facebook, hangs out with, and whatever, but he can't be bothered to do that for me? And, like, we were planning to go out next Thursday, cause we're done classes for the semester, then he decides he's going to work first thing the next morning - so I get to sit at home, alone, like always. I don't even have coworkers to chat with or anything.

God, I hate my life. I try so hard to put on a happy front, I have to be well-adjusted for everyone else but I hurt so badly inside. No one understands what I'm going through, and when I try to explain it to people, they brush me off like I'm stupid, or ignore me. Everyone ignores me. I could stand in the middle of a crowded room screaming, and no one would even notice - just like Rose from Titanic. I could disappear, and no one would notice.

1) EGG NOGG OR HOT CHOCOLATE?
Hot Chocolate

2) DOES SANTA WRAP PRESENTS OR JUST SIT THEM UNDER THE TREE?
Wraps them

3) COLORED LIGHTS ON ON TREE/HOUSE OR WHITE?
Coloured

4) WHO DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE AT CHRISTMAS?
My boyfriend, who's going out of town. And my mom, who I hardly ever get to see.

5) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DISH (EXCLUDING DESSERT)?
Stuffing

6) WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP?
Whenever I have time, usually beginning of December

7) FAVORITE HOLIDAY MEMORY AS A CHILD?
Visiting my grandparents

8) WHEN AND HOW DID YOU LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA?
Don't remember *lol*

9) DO YOU OPEN A GIFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
Sometimes, depends on where I am and who I'm with

10) HOW DO YOU DECORATE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE?
Ecclectic mix of homemade ornaments and store bought ones, in a rainbow of colours

11) SNOW....LOVE IT OR HATE IT?
Love it!

12) CAN YOU ICE SKATE?
Yeppers ^^

13) DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FAVORITE GIft
I got my laptop last year, and my license the year before that

14) WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS FOR YOU?
Getting time to relax with my family

15) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DESSERT?
Mincemeat pie

16) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION?
Don't really have one

17) WHAT TOPS YOUR TREE?
A pretty glass ornament thing

18) WHICH DO YOU PREFER, GIVING OR RECEIVING?
Both... I love to give gifts to everyone, but getting a few things is nice, too

19) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG?
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

20) WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST AT CHRISTMAS?
My grandpa, who died a few years ago right after Christmas

Yeah, I have unoriginal titles -_-

Today, I was super tired when I got up, but I had to hit the library for two term papers - both due next week. Blah. Drank a HUUUUUGE gingerbread latte from Second Cup and got wired, spent an hour perusing the stacks in the main Arts & Humanities library here on campus, then went to the Canadian Women's Movement Archives to dig up some primary sources. That actually made me happy, getting to do something new and different. Wish I could have spent more time there, but had to escape the work and see mah Pingu ^-^

OOO, so happy, my ex hasn't called me yet today! I almost managed to go without talking to him at work last night, too - he stopped by breifly before going to work, but he gave me a bottle of Nestea so I forgave him *lol* I was almost home after my shift before he called - but I cut it off citing 'sore wrist' which wasn't a total lie, it did hurt (as usual).

I felt crappy at work though, cause my boss yelled at me. I encountered a situation I hadn't before, used the best judgement I could. Turned out I was wrong and should have done differently. She was awfully rude to me on the phone, though, which was uncalled for. Oh well, I learned something new and won't do it again. But my evening improved when Pingu showed up. We got to chat, which was nice cause we rarely see each other on Monday - we're both busy from Friday through to Sunday inclusively, and because of school Mondays have been out recently, too, so we pretty much just see each other Tuesday to Thursday. Sucks ass, but nothing we can do. Got to chill with Betty at work, too, which always improves my mood immensely. It made me feel a bit better about getting yelled at cause she was, too.

I'm still stressed as hell about school, and money, and life, but I was very successful in my primary research for my Women in Canada paper, so I am hopeful I can write something halfway decent which was part of my worry. Found someone to cover my shift on December 16th when I write an exam, which helped too. Money will be bad til after Christmas so I'm just trying to not worry too much about it, can't do anything about it anyway. I'm trying to eat better so I feel better, plus focus on ensuring my dental and skin care regiments are more habitualized, so that I won't stress over my teeth and breakouts - both of which have been huge issues for me the past few weeks.

Blah, long post x_x Enough for now.

Well, this is my first post. And as of right now, no one's reading it anyway.

I am a closet emo. I hate my life, I hate myself, but I have no one to vent to, because I'm so perfect that I can't possibly feel crappy, ever. So, I have had to resort to the classic haven of LiveJournal to release my feelings out into the world.

I try so hard all the time to please everyone, but that leaves me a crumbling mess because I can't make other people happy and be happy myself. I don't know how to find the happy medium between helping others and helping myself. I'm failing at school, at work, and at life, and I just don't know how to deal with it.

My ex is driving me up the wall, but I don't have the heart to tell him to leave me alone. My boyfriend doesn't realise how much it hurts when he doesn't talk to me or express any desire to see me. I have no idea how I'm going to give my daughter a decent Christmas, and I doubt I'm going to see my family this year - although I'm not entirely saddened by that prospect.

I did start sketching at work yesterday, and I found it really nice to just sit there and draw, instead of worrying about school. I think I might start packing my pencils and sketchbook again, I do need something to fall back on should I completely fail at university. Maybe I can be a seamstress, or something. Who knows.

Oh, and anyone who reads this who would like to friend me, please, go for it, it would make me feel slightly better knowing that at least someone out there cares enough to read this.